Why being inlove is not enough

LOL!Browsing through my old writing is pretty bizarre. I found an old writing of an in love, heartbroken and rather very confused self. Since it doesn’t really matter much now, might as well share it on here and let you know how my mind works at it’s most incomprehensible state.

Let me tell you about a time I fell in love..

They said love is everlasting, they said that anything can work when there is love. But those words are what caused me to currently listen to Almost  Is Never Enough by Ariana Grande on repeat. You see, this love thing is very tricky. Initially, sparks starts on the level of similar interests and compatibility. My similarity together with him isn’t in any level superficially. I say, it’s deeper than how many can imagine. We both had this eagerness to change our own lives for the better.Turning all the worst things that had happened to our lives into something that could be wonderful. The whole turn around and all it’s technicality.

He is strong yet he is weak. Not physicality, but the way he carries himself. He appears to others as someone who has no problems, no worries; just pure smiles and laughter. He is strong yet he is breaking down inside. I used to just see him as a strong person, I used to refuse to see that he is falling a part. The more I let him in my life, the more I saw how he was faltering. Little did I know, I started caring for him as I got to know him. I fell in love.

The way I would catch him smiling at me. The way he laughs (from time to time, I still hear it in my mind.) The way he would deny falling asleep mid-movie, even when I caught him red-handed; snoring. I didn’t mind, I knew he was tired from work. The way he would spaz when he’s excited or happy. The way his lips presses over mine. How his chubby fingers never really seemed to fit in our interlocking hands. The way he motivates me and encourages me to do my best. The way he’s excited for me and my achievements. The way he brightens up my rather dull day. The way he respects me and my decisions. The way we both love to eat. The way he tries to understand the complexity of my mind. The way we both understood each other’s space when needed.The way he accepted me despite all my imperfections and baggage that I came with.

I wasn’t so strong myself when he found me, in fact, I was fragile. I was easily broken. I was in pieces that were so shattered and spread a part. Yet despite my beaten and fragmented heart, he took his time to understand and carefully piece it together. He saw through me on my worst days. I’m the worrier, it’s rare for me to be at ease. Even the tiniest details would boggle my mind. He saw me when I am weak, and still saw the pureness of my intentions. He taught me to control the anxieties. He taught me to be at peace. Peace it was that I achieved. But it was that same peace that I took away from him.

He became easily irritated. He started appreciating me less.. and less.. I used to love seeing him, and I still do. But this time around, it seemed to be physically and emotionally draining. We never seem to cease the fighting, in fact there seem to be one every week that sometimes would even last for days. Everything about the relationship became tiresome. I used to think that it was our way of reacting to how we missed each other. But after a while, it just became irritating. We would scare of leaving each other as if it wont affect the other person,  “I cant be with you because of this.. and that.. ” but in reality it just scarred the both of us more and more. The more scars, the more hurt and the more pain there was, the more we fell a part. As we fell a part, our conversations became shorter. The more we were hesitant to talk to each other, the more we became less open to each other; not just about how we feel, but about everything else that’s going on in our lives.

We had fallen out of love.  We capped out and reached the turning point. We are no longer healthy for each other. And the many more endless excuses of why the relationship became toxic.  The factors of why we should be together just started diminishing. The love that seemed to be effortless became so much harder than it should be. People say that love is hard work but worth it, then why do I feel so otherwise. The first and only thing I can think of is.. to give up.

Once love is there, it doesn’t disappear. I can never unlove him. In fact, I’ll always love him. But if I’m what hinders his growth and he hinders mine, then we had no choice but to … let go.

(Though my current existing views are now very different from how it was, still feel free to write me if you have any concerns, comments and opinions. xlaarni@gmail.com) Thank you for taking your time in reading. 🙂 xoxo

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