Journey to Self Growth
For the past few years, I’ve been in this ceaseless search of finding myself. A constant quest to self-discovery. I had these incessant desires of figuring out my likes, wants, and needs or rather, learning who I can become.
“Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
Recently I was depressed. I was in an extensive amount of hurt, pain, and sadness. I was not happy. I seemed to have forgotten how to be. I became bitter. I spent hours, days, weeks, and months morosely contemplating on decisions I’ve made, decisions I’ve encountered, and decisions that I eventually had to accept. The majority of my time were spent pondering; being lost, finding, discovering, and growing. The many days of meditation arrived to the recognition of the 5 people who had contributed and had a great impact in my self growth.
Let’s hide them in the names Patience, Loyalty, Humility, Peace, and Understanding.
(Each are written to give a masculine effect, so please don’t assume that they are all men. I prefer not to reveal the identity of each individual so please do not ask me. Thank you. Enjoy!)
Patience is something I used to struggle on immensely. I could not handle falling in line to wait for my turn even when there’s only two people ahead of me. I could not endure dealing with difficult people. I could not stand constant delays. I admit, I was impatient.
Then, Patience came to my life, or rather he was always there, been around for multiple years of my life. Out of the many people that I’ve come across with in my life, he knew me the most. Or so he did or perhaps still does. He can predict my actions, my next movement. He understands why I do certain things in a certain way. Patience is always calm, always asleep. Yet he had awaken the patience in me.
He helped me tolerate long lines. He aided me in diminishing my pet-peeves. He taught me self-control. I was not easily angered anymore. The years we spent together were great and partly difficult, but worthwhile. Through his patience, I mastered to be still with the calmness of the gentle breeze.
Throughout my years of existence, to be acknowledged is what I desired in any given circumstances. This is how I acquired my confidence. In fact, I came to a point wherein I realized I had a lot of it, maybe even a little too much. So I prayed and asked God for humility. Little did I know He had already put me in a situation in which I had no choice but to learn it. I was stripped off of my pride and the only option I had was to be humble.
I’m glad that Humility took a quick stop in being part of my life. I have not met anyone as humble as he is. He is crazy. Every aspect of his personality is extreme. Extreme joy. Extreme sadness. Extreme excitement. Extreme confusion. Extreme tranquility. I don’t think he has any middle grounds. The magnitude of his actions emanates from the passion of his pure heart.
Humility had instilled thoughts in my mind that constantly reminded me to be humble. Humility once catechized me, “If you were in a pitched dark room filled with people, and there is a candle on top of your head, would you keep it lit or blow it out?” Then, he continued, “Humility does not declare itself. It brings either itself or there closer to God without recognition. It does not seek to say or claim because God sees all of its efforts. And rewards it accordingly because that is the heart of God”. His words continued to play in my mind up until today, possibly because I still have more to learn. Humility echoed in my mind whenever the opportunity to be humble arose. Humility stopped by, yet continued to stay, and lingered to constantly remind.
To be honest, I don’t think I’ve come to a complete understanding of what being understanding is. To be understanding is always hard. As for myself, I feel like I have to drop an enormous amount of pride to be able to comprehend and/or even able compromise an agreement. I seem to mostly act on thoughtless impulse, and suddenly, to be understanding means to become buried deep; that is definitely the last thought in my mind. I also tend to unconsciously put myself in situations where I can be misunderstood.
Understanding had been in my life for several years. He persistently stayed despite our differences. Though we are each other’s opposite and we viewed a lot of things differently. We somehow tried to learn to exist together, probably because of his ability of being understanding. His willingness to understand was second nature to him. He was always considerate of other people’s feelings. He was kind, compassionate and appreciative. And because of his personality, he continuously inspired me to be just like him every day. Though to be understanding is still something I have yet to learn, I know that he will always be there to guide me through.
Loyalty, made me the happiest. Gave me extreme joy, perhaps similar to flying if I could fly. All I know is that he had given me constant giggles and laughter was what composed our days. But loyalty was also what broke me; rather the lack of it I shall say. Loyalty was a great man, his intentions were always clean but faithfulness was what he struggled on. Not just with me but with the ones that came before me as well. I thought things would be different because that was what he had promised me. Deception, infidelity, and betrayal took place; suddenly all promises were broken. My heart shattered. A monster grew out of me, and resentments filled the remnants of my broken heart. I got stuck in a situation that I had no control over. Though it was a hard process of coping, I made it through with the help of Peace. I had learned the facts, and had accepted the truth. Everything in life is a choice. He had made his, and I had made my own. And for me, it’s learning to let go, to forgive, and to accept. Through all the pain and suffering he had put me through, I had learned that loyalty, commitment, and honesty is a priority, not an option.
In this chaotic world of constant manipulation, I could not find peace.
But finally at once, my heart came to be at peace. And peace filled my heart. The pieces of my shattered heart turned to precious gems, even diamonds, perhaps.
Peace was someone I shared plenty of similarities and common qualities with. The world conspired to bring us together in a parallel like movement of being and stillness that somehow existed together. We teamed up, and everything seemed to make sense. Peace was who I could be myself with without being afraid to be judged. I didn’t need a mask to hide my true self, hidden behind all the make-believes. Lost-self was found. There were no more anxiety, pretention, and bullsh*ts. He made all things serene. He took away all the fear in me. He said, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s fear”. I also believed that the opposite of fear is peace. This is where he took me.
Peace gave me the most wisdom. He had taught me to work with God’s time. He taught me to accept my past, whether good or bad, to treat them into multiple accomplishments, and that things happen for a reason. Whether it’s negative or positive, every obstacle is still a blessing because through it is when we discover growth. He taught me to seek contentment and to desire simplicity.
The interminable feelings of desperation in self-seeking came to a pause and finally bid to a stop. I came to the conclusion that my life is about my journey to a particular goal as opposed to just the goal itself. Life shouldn’t be focused towards the finish line but rather, it should be centered on daily self-fulfillments. Life shouldn’t be defined based on the past or the future but instead it should be centered towards the present, living the moment and making the best out of it.
“Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
Today is a gift,
Which is why we call it the Present”
I finally came to a realization that life is about the manifestation of LOVE in many forms. Patience, humility, understanding, loyalty, and peace. Through these forms of love is how we can enlighten people more about God. Make known of Him through daily actions, because God is LOVE.